[Grumpy old man]

Lame Jokes!


75
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?Guardians of the Galaxy.
75
Why was the stadium so cold?Because there were a lot of fans.
74
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?Great food, but no atmosphere.
74
I have a lot of good jokes about unemployed people...But none of them work.
74
Why do the French eat snails?They don't like fast food.
74
What are the strongest days of the week?Saturday and Sunday the rest are week days.
74
Why couldn't the keyboard sleep?Because it has 2 shifts.
74
What kind of music is a balloon scared of?Pop music.
73
What do we call a crying sister?A crisis.
73
Why do shoemakers go to heaven?Because they have good soles.
73
Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?It hasn't come out yet.
73
Why can't you trust trees?Because they are shady.
73
My friend David lost his ID.Now I call him DAV.
73
The man was hit in the head with a can of Sprite.He's okay, it was a soft drink.
73
What is the slipperiest country in the world?Greece!
73
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?The retail store.
73
Why can't a bike stand up on it's own?Because it's two tired.
73
What did the seal with the broken arm say to the Polar bear?Do not consume if seal is broken.
72
What did the guy say to the man who cut off his feet?Oh no, you've defeeted me!
72
Why can't you trust atoms?Because they make up everything!
72
What did sushi A say to sushi B?Wasabi
72
What do you call a bee that was born is the United States?A USB.
72
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.
72
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?Depresso.
72
Why was the king only a foot tall?He was a ruler.
71
Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?He doesn't like being followed.
71
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?He got tired of the hole thing!
71
Why was Cinderella kicked off the softball teamBecause she kept running from the ball.
71
Why was the cellphone wearing glasses?Because he lost all his contacts.
71
My boss told me to have a good day.So I went home.
71
What did one plate say to the other?Lunch is on me.
71
Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?because they got lost at C!
71
Why do seagulls live by the sea?Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels!
71
Can February March?No, but April May.
71
Why did the physics teacher breakup with the biology teacher?Cause they had no chemistry.
71
What do you call an alligator that reads maps?A navigator.
71
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a drink?" The bartender says, "for you? No charge.
71
Some people have difficulties sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.
71
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?A slipper.
71
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?Bison.
70
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?He didn't have the guts.
70
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They're usually 90 degrees.
70
What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?Where's popcorn?
70
How did the telephone maker propose to his girlfriend?He gave her a ring.
70
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?Because they were sitting on the deck!
70
Why can doctors wait for long periods of time?They have a lot of patients.
70
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
70
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A stick.
70
My mom told me to follow my dreams, so I went back to sleep.
70
What do you call a bear with no teeth?A gummy bear.
70
What do you call a fake noodle?An impasta!
70
What do you call an apple thrown at your face?A fruit punch.
70
What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer?A father-in-law!
70
What did the vegetables say at the party?Lettuce turnip the beet!
69
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building?Of course it can, the empire state building can't jump!
69
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
69
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school!?It's okay. He woke up.
69
Want to hear a joke about paper? It's tearable.
69
What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?I don't wanna be Obama self.
69
How would you split the Roman Empire in half?With a pair of Caesars.
69
I had a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
69
What do cows do when they are bored?They go to watch mooo-vies.
69
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
69
I sent ten puns to my friend hoping that they would make him laugh.But no pun in ten did.
69
Why can't a nose be 12 inches?Because that's one foot!
69
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up in the sky?Looks like rain dear!
69
I just bought a thesaurus and when I got home, all the pages were blank.I have no words to describe how angry I am.
69
What do fruit sellers do when they are being attackedThe throw their pomegrenade
69
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?Every morning you rise and shine.
69
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
68
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?A thesaurus.
68
How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it.
68
I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, he laughs.
68
What do a base ball team and a pancake have in common?They both need a good batter.
68
What path do crazy people take in the forest?The psychopath.
68
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
68
What did the hat say to the tie?You hang here, I'll go on a head!
68
Message to the people who created the number zero:Thanks for nothing!
67
Why was the tricycle not in a relationship?It's always the third wheel.
67
You wanna hear a joke about construction?Wait... I'm still working on it.