Post your keep up with Richard funnies

[richard2717]

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[richard2717]

For us old people
ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?
ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?
REALLY???

NO!!

ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't getinto my car.. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergencyroom, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3.No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4.People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6.There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7.Things you buy now won't wear out.
8.You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9.You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11.You can't remember who sent you this list.
12.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

And remember, Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

[Grumpy old man]

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[davischevy]

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole", Sven said, "I got some good news and some bad news. Da good
news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere
was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"Vat's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena

"Vell, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"No," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

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A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied. "Get your own Damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.


The end

[Sheepdip]

Originally Posted by davischevy

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole", Sven said, "I got some good news and some bad news. Da good
news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere
was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"Vat's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena

"Vell, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"No," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

Good One!

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