Post your keep up with Richard funnies

[richard2717]

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[1976gmc20]

Easter has been postponed.

Jesus has to stay quarantined in the tomb for another 14 days.

[Getter-Done]

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[FleetsidePaul]

Keep the volleyball. Where's the beer?

[Getter-Done]

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[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by FleetsidePaul

Keep the volleyball. Where's the beer?

Wilson! Wilson! I'm sorry, Wilson … boo-hoo-hoo-hoo

[Getter-Done]

How this for all the TP hoarders.












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[richard2717]

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[richard2717]

4141

[richard2717]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman ...begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[flashed]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman ...begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

LOL , I needed that .

[richard2717]

Which one are you?

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...5 types of customers since the “rona”…

1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.

May God have mercy on us all.

It’s time for Happy Hour!

[Killer Bee]

[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Which one are you?

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...5 types of customers since the “rona”…

The Fed-X driver, on the other hand, drives up the wrong driveway.

76gmc is outside cleaning up his old Suburban, and flags him down since he is expecting something. 76gmc walks down the steep muddy hill to get the package because it is 1/8 mile back to the road, while open carrying his six shooter. The Fed-X driver has to back clear out to the main road because there is no place to turn around a 2wd van. The Fed-X driver may or may not survive.

[truckster]

Originally Posted by richard2717

Which one are you?

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...5 types of customers since the “rona”…

1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
May God have mercy on us all.

It’s time for Happy Hour!

Does it mean anything that I bought a case of 12ga shells yesterday? It was time to restock anyway...

[Killer Bee]

Originally Posted by truckster

Does it mean anything that I bought a case of 12ga shells yesterday? It was time to restock anyway...

yes, means you're way behind

40mm cans hold 400rds

just stocked up some lead free yesterday, got a couple cans of slugs, buck, and clay killers

[truckster]

Originally Posted by Killer Bee

yes, means you're way behind

40mm cans hold 400rds

just stocked up some lead free yesterday, got a couple cans of slugs, buck, and clay killers

The 12ga was just topping off my supply. I have a decent stock of 7.62 and 5.56, plus a couple of cases of .40, so I should be good for a while.

[Killer Bee]

Originally Posted by 1976gmc20

The Fed-X driver, on the other hand, drives up the wrong driveway.

76gmc is outside cleaning up his old Suburban, and flags him down since he is expecting something. 76gmc walks down the steep muddy hill to get the package because it is 1/8 mile back to the road, while open carrying his six shooter. The Fed-X driver has to back clear out to the main road because there is no place to turn around a 2wd van. The Fed-X driver may or may not survive.

my funny fedex story

last summer fedex dispatch in kc called day before delivering my mar-k bed kit to the farm in lone jack..

I told the gal that the driveway is a 1/4 mile and can't see the house from the road, just call ahead and I'll meet driver at the road..

so next day mom and I doing chores around the barn yard so I'd be close and she tells me, looks like a big truck going out the driveway..

so not finding a big pallet anywhere I set off down the drive thinking they may have not seen us and left..

yep he was there, in a semi rig, stuck trying to BACK up to the house

I met him and offloaded the pallet into the pickup and he was able to leave forward with his diff lock and inter axle lock..

these are only parts of the driveway, bet he stops in the road and calls next time he can't see the house

this is about where he was, off to right in the grass..



this is about 1/4 of the way in, that kink in the low spot is where he got stuck..

[Killer Bee]

Originally Posted by truckster

The 12ga was just topping off my supply. I have a decent stock of 7.62 and 5.56, plus a couple of cases of .40, so I should be good for a while.

right on truckster!

I maintain a modest inventory of about 20 different types for a rainy day.. trouble is all my close friends know me too well, even passed out a few boxes to some cops recently for their bugs

[1976gmc20]

these are only parts of the driveway

Our drive is only about 1/8 mile but it's cut out of the side of a hill so you don't want to go off the side! The neighbors' drive is 1/4 mile plus, more or less parallel to our drive but down in the coulee and it goes beyond our place. It's more level but it gets more boggy down there.

There's a shortcut from our yard down to the lower drive but it's really slick with mud and/or snow this time of year. The county road about a mile downstream from our place gets almost impassable when it's wet (about 9 months of the year). I'm surprised a 2wd van actually made it to our drive or the neighbors' drive (about 50 yds apart at the road). I put my pickup in 4wd just to get home from town today.

[truckster]

Originally Posted by Killer Bee

right on truckster!

I maintain a modest inventory of about 20 different types for a rainy day.. trouble is all my close friends know me too well, even passed out a few boxes to some cops recently for their bugs

OK, so I'm a little jealous. My stock is not quite that good.

[richard2717]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

[richard2717]

qwerty

[Killer Bee]

[Killer Bee]