Joke Thread

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by richard2717

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Best One Yet







In My Opinion






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[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by richard2717

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[prairewolf]

Ole and Lena had a big house party, later in evening Ole could not find Sven. He looked everywhere and finally found him in bed with Lena, he went back to all the guests with laughter and a smile on his face. The guests asked him what was so funny. He said Sven is So Drunk he thinks he is me!

[richard2717]

...

[RustyPile]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.


At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

[Palf70Step]

[Stocker]

[1976gmc20]

Three things that happen when you get older:

1) You start forgetting things

2) ......?

3) .......?

[GOPAPA]

A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by GOPAPA

A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[Boog]

Turn

[Ol Blue K20]

Originally Posted by Boog

Turn

Now that's funny right there......

[Getter-Done]

Originally Posted by Boog

Turn

I know some people like this
There is a few of them at my place of employment









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[Getter-Done]

The Night Watchman lost his Job

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory.

There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift and so every

morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job

to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man

pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate.

Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with
that newspaper.
So he removed the paper only to find nothing.

Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the

lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.

The next night it was the same, and the night after that.

Week after week it went on.

The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint.

The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a

message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.

He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the

boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise.

"Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed.

So you're fired."


"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed.
Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered.

"Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?"









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source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Wheelbarrow#ixzz6cDriNZ1u

[72 tigger]

Originally Posted by Boog

Turn

Reminds me of this guy

[68bowtie]

After reading the first line I couldn’t help but think of this...

[richard2717]

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

[richard2717]

Two blondes walk into a building





you would think at least one of them would have seen it

[68bowtie]

The ranch one is awesome lol

[Ol Blue K20]

I like them all.

[1976gmc20]

Originally Posted by 68bowtie

The ranch one is awesome lol

Sounds about like me when I was logging and had a couple guys working for me. I kept them paid up but then I had to take a winter job to pay off my fuel bill. No joke, either.

[richard2717]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...

[Greasey Harley]

Two blonds standing across the river from each other.
The first one yells across "How do I get to the other side of the river?
The second one yells back "You ARE on the other side of the river!!"

[Boog]

Signs

[richard2717]

DEER HUNTERS.
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer