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Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

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I worked with a design engineer many years ago, who, when asked why a modification had to be made to a structure, said, "You always leave something off the drawing, for job security!".
I worked as a designer for many years. You don't purposely leave something off a design drawing, as there are always enough pitfalls without designing in your own. Had I been in a position of higher authority, I'd have had him fired, because what he did was basically sabotage.

OK, that's no joke. Back on track! A termite walks into a saloon, and inquires, "Say, where is the bartender?"

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Thank You.

How did the Rooster cross the Road?

He Walked.











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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "Shhh! They're right behind you!"

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George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...


George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

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Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

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Easier to light a fire with an iPad. A Lithium ion battery when punctured catch fire very quickly .

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Well, that's a good point. Plus, there's one less iPad in the world :devil:

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I'm laughing ova heeya! This ipad humas rich I tell ya!! Burning up awredi.Is that what happened to the hair on the side between the beard and top knot? :lol:

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My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.
So he gave me some tablets.

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What’s Harry Potters favorite way to get down the hill?




Walking




JK Rowling.

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The Old Dirt Biker
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a Dirtbiker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a dirtbiker too."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"
To this the old biker smiled and answered,
"Who said he wanted to?"

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I would pee on it and call it done




An Irishman walked out of a bar

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:lol: Took me two days to get that.

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I used my stimulus to buy baby chickens.
I got my money for nothing and my chicks for free.

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FB joke

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If you could find 100 jokes this funny.

You could possibly / Keep up with Richard :lol::lol::lol:









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96 year old man walks into the doctor's office and ask for Viagra. Doctor says "I'm real proud of you for wanting to have sex at age 96!" Old man says "I don't want to have sex, I'm just tired of peeing on my shoes!"

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...or just wants to stop falling out of bed.

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2 New Canadians thought they would try hunting , they come across these tracks , the one new Canadian say's to the other " what are these tracks ? " the other new Canadian says " I don't know " they both get down on their hands and knees to have a look at these tracks and the train ran over them !!!!!!

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OK, murder hornets made it to Louisiana.

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It was so cold yesterday I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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I just found out that I’m colorblind... the news came completely out of the green.

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Attachment 2015581














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a man comes home from work and his Wife has a good supper almost done, he says he will run over to the neighbor quick and be right back, 2 hours later he comes home and Wife is mad, He says he is sorry but the neighbor would Not Stop Listening !!.

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SELLING ADULT TOYS ��

I am now proud to announce that I am selling Adult toys. I hope no one is embarrassed to ask for them.
I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs.
Discretion is guaranteed!!
Inbox me if you have any questions.
I have everything listed below...������

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Zimmer frames, wheelchairs, walkers, oxygen tanks, walking stick/canes, disposable diapers etc etc. What was your dirty mind thinking?������

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In the great days of theBritish Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.


After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies of gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc., decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless."


Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer who was surprised to meet a hunchbacked, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events andwon a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.

I have researched the history of....."

At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor you thought his witchcraft was a bunch of B.S."

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I was thinking Door hinges and B-Pillars
And toolbox doors and hinges
And other rusty Stuff :metal::lol:;)











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I used to be in a band called The Hinges

We opened for The Doors

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I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my bum and said, "You're kind
of cute; you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah. You gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I gotta pen."
I said, "You’d better get
back in it before the farmer misses you!"
Cost me six stitches,
but when you’re over seventy, who cares?

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A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a Freaking thing."

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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror’

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Awet

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What!? You didn't have wind in those days, grandpa!? ;)

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Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping together
They Fall asleep early due to a long day.

In the middle of the night, Lone Ranger wakes up and speaks to Tonto who’s now awake as well

“Tonto, It’s a beautiful night”Tonto says

“How so?” Replies Lone Ranger

“There are many stars in the sky” Tonto Replies

“You know what that means, don’t you?” Lone Ranger asks suddenly more frantically

“Yes, that means many spirits are watching us” Tonto Explains calmly

To which Lone Ranger replied

“No you dumbass, it means somebody stole our tent!”

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Hemingway said there is only one reason the chicken crossed the road. To die, in the rain.

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Colonel Sanders “ I missed one?”

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A chicken walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "what can I do for you?"

The chicken says: "I live across the road and I'm looking for someone to change a light bulb for me."

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Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service at a store in town yesterday,
I don't want to mention the name of the place yet because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from there, I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl that was working told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then, again - she flat out says "NO." I asked to talk to a manager because now I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it was no good. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."

No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . . . . .
I''ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again .........EVER...............

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy,
“you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The old man said,
“Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered,
“Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard,
“One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.